ALL-ROUND CHAMPION? ALL-ROUND TURD PILE...

The quality of programming appearing on BYUTV continues to surprise and delight me.  Certain programs I strongly feel could compete on a national scale against major networks.  In most respects, I think BYUTV has a lot to be proud of.

However, I recently finished watching the first season of a new program and I'm flabbergasted by the total mess it was and how it was handled.  The show I'm speaking of is All-Round Champion and in the interest of keeping my rant to a bare minimum, I'm going to assume you're aware of it and the premise. 

If not, you might want to head on over to the BYUTV page and take a minute to read up before I get going.

I was excited about this show and looked forward to seeing the premier.  This is a reality show and it's a competition with an eventual winner, so I knew going in, I'd eventually pick a favorite player.  I didn't realize I would do it right off the bat.

The first week was Diving and the kids spent most of the episode in their bathing suits.  But there was one kid who seemed self-conscious and a little out of place.  That kid was Daniel.  During resting scenes, he stands with his arms folded and in group shots, he's always hanging back behind everyone.

To me, this kid wasn't comfortable with his body and since that was me when I was his age...  I immediately sympathized with him. 

As the episode goes on, a lot of the kids spend their practice time in the water goofing off and ignoring the coaches.  But Daniel was more determined than some of the others and he took advantage of his practice time.  I admired his work ethic and moreso, his commitment to the contest.

Before the episode was over, I was 100% TeamDaniel!

And he didn't disappoint.

Over the next few weeks, I discovered I'd picked the player who not only stood the best chance of winning the entire event, but was quickly pulling away from the pack.  Daniel was consistently earning points each week on the podium.  Not always in the Gold Medal position, but the Silver and Bronze both came with nice point hikes.

He was quickly adding to his weekly total and by staying near the top of the pack in each sport, he was competing more effectively than most of the other athletes; and by the time the group entered the final week of competition, he'd been on the podium more times than any of the other players.  They called him the most decorated player of the game because of the number of medals he won.

It was easy to admire his efforts because he didn't seem to squander his training time and he always tried to win.  That mindset could also been seen in the way he conducted himself on screen.  When he was interviewed or had a chance to make a comment, he always used phrasing that didn't disparage or put anyone down, he didn't gloat or treat other players poorly and he found ways to keep his comments positive and complimentary towards the other players.  In fact, I can only think of one thing he said that might be considered mean; but I don't think he intended those words to be hurtful.  

He approached each sport with determination and even if he didn't feel completely confident in his ability to compete in that sport, he went out and gave 100%.  It was during one of the more demanding workouts that Daniel revealed he suffers from patellar tendonitis and Osgood-Schlatter's disease which severely weaken his knees and makes intense activity on his legs problematic and extremely painful.

Fortunately, none of the other sports in the competition were physically demanding enough to cause him major concerns or put him at a disadvantage.

Daniel rises to the top of the Leaderboard and dominates it for almost the entirety of the series.  One of the most impressive achievements about Daniel's score is that every single one of his points is earned through competition.

There were special award points that were handed out each week to athletes demonstrating characteristics the coaches felt deserved recognition.  And initially, they seemed to go to the contenders for genuine reasons like practicing hard, having good sportsmanship or challenging yourself.  However, as the competition progressed, it was obvious to the viewers at home that certain athletes were in weekly competition for those points in addition to the points they hoped to get with a podium win.

Some of them displayed repetitive behavior specifically designed to evoke sympathy from the guest coach.  They would "overcome" a fear or push themselves to the point of exhaustion.  To a guest coach, seeing something like that would inspire them to single that individual out for a special award.  Sadly, this type of attention grabbing often eclipsed competitors who actually deserved to be recognized.  It got to the point you could actually watch players setting up their situations and narratives in an effort to win the points.  In one episode, two players attempted to play the "overcoming-a-fear" tactic and started the show off despondent and withdrawn in an effort to draw the coach in so they could reveal their secret fear.  When it became apparent they were both playing the same card, they changed up.  And in one particularly disgusting display, one player, realizing she doesn't have a chance of earning podium points that week, takes advantage of a situation then doubles down to convince everyone how serious she is just to make sure she earns points.  In fact, at the end of the episode, she literally calls herself out on it during an interview.

Now, the point structure of the contest was built in such a way that each athlete has an equal chance from the outset to win the available points.  Part of that structure plays out when the athlete who's sport is the focus of that week's competition, coaches the other athletes and doesn't compete for a podium position or points.  By the end of the season, each of them would have one week where they couldn't earn points, so the available amount of points to each player remains the same across the board.  And it remained so right up until a guest coach awarded their counterpart special points for coaching.

Sure, you can make an excellent case for awarding exceptional coaching, but it still creates a point imbalance...  And even though it's only 10 points, it's 10 points that player was never meant to have.  It does become an advantage.  Obviously, this wasn't what the shows' creators wanted, but without a specific rule in place to prevent it, they had to stand by and allow a professional athlete to give points to their assistant coach.  The bias is unavoidable and should be curtailed in future seasons.

There are other examples of unfair point manipulation throughout the series.  During skateboard week, there was a second podium awarded because the producers felt the competition was too firmly split between the boys and girls.  Since all three podium spots were taken by the boys, the girls were given their own podium and the medalists were given the same point values they would've received if they'd actually won.

Reasons why this move was totally unfair and offensive? First, the professional athlete for that week was female.  By bringing in a female skateboarding champion in as a coach, the producers wanted to show that anyone could compete in it.  But, by having a second podium for just the girls, the producers undermined their message.

When you have both boys and girls competing for the same title, giving the person in 5th place a gold medal and full points just because they're female completely ruins the integrity of the title itself.  If the All-Round Champion is a single person potentially male or female, you can't give bonus points to one gender just because the podium that day looked unbalanced and traditionally, girls aren't interested in that particular sport.

Huge gender bias.

Finally, you can't dole out favoring points to one gender when the podium is dominated that week by the other gender unless you do it every single time it happens.  There are examples of other weeks that boys took all three podium positions and the girls weren't given a special podium.  Bad form.

Another reason why these "Extra-Bonus" points are so unfair can be seen when you contrast those points awarded with points taken away.  Consider the Swimming episode.

During the competition race, Daniel makes a mistake when he starts one of this laps with the wrong stroke.  He's quickly made aware of it and is able to adjust to the correct stroke and finish the race.  He clearly placed second and should have received the Silver Medal and 20 points.  Instead, he's informed at the podium that he's disqualified because of that mistake.

Unlike the skateboard week where the girls were given huge bonus points for losing, Daniel actually finished the long and grueling race and earned his time.  

It's funny, but every time competition actually does start, the announcer tells the kids if there are any mistakes that will disqualify them in that event.  In kayaking, overturning during the course run was an automatic disqualification.  However, there was no prior warning given about making a mistake on your stroke in swimming.  A more appropriate and fair action would have been a time penalty leveled against his overall time.  There wasn't much separating him and the Bronze medalist.  It could have cost him the silver.  

Instead...  this is what we see at home...  Daniel is so far ahead on the Leaderboard, most of the other kids have given up hope of beating him.  In fact, they've pretty much accepted he's going to win.  Some of the kids even mention it during their interviews.

In order to create a more tightly contested overall event, I think the producers and judges decided to penalize Daniel an entire week and allow some of the other kids not far behind him to "catch up".  Seeing them disqualify him was incredibly uncomfortable when they'd handed out free points only a couple of weeks prior.  Certain players were definitely benefiting from these impulsive points choices being made.  And others were suffering.

For his part, Daniel maintains his composure and accepts the decision with as much dignity as he can muster.  

Gross misconduct and favoritism by the judges.

From this point on, it seems like all of Daniel's efforts are undermined by the show and in the absolute worst case of foul play, at the end of the competition, the host announces a final day of track and field events with no coaching, no training and no practice.  Full points given to the winner in each event.

Wow.

So here you have a kid who has worked his butt off the entire season and done an amazing job and your big surprise ending is five track and field events that his disease and condition make almost impossible for him to complete.

Unbelievable.

These five events favor a very select few of the athletes and leave all of the others at a huge disadvantage.  Now, to be fair, you could say that about every single sport they've competed in since competition began.  But...  This is different because 1) it's 5 events in the same category.  2) each event has a potential win of 25 points.  Unlike any previous week, a sweep of the Arcathlon could earn one athlete 125 points in a single day.  That's 90 more than anyone could earn previously and that's assuming the Gold Medalist was also given a special award.

Based on the fact that certain competitors have severe limitations in the area of track and field, the contest is now massively skewed towards the players who are strong in this area.  And the event plays out exactly as you imagine it will.

Essentially, the few athletes with enough points to challenge Daniel are the strongest in the Arcathlon events and they split the points among themselves until they get enough to pass Daniel.  How convenient.  

Ok, let's pick a sport Daniel can't be competitive in, give them enough possible points that someone actually has a chance of taking this from him and then continue to screw him over until one of them goes far enough to knock him off the top of the Leaderboard.

Once again...  Free points to certain people.  Here ya go!

I felt physically sick watching this episode.  To add insult to injury, the final event, the Tug Of War...  They claim the teams were randomly assigned...  And yet, the track stars earning free points all day are all on the same team opposite Daniel and they have a strength advantage.  

Of course, Sydney is on Brodie's team...  

Of course.

Then, in one of the most appalling and gross miscarriages of sportsmanship I've ever seen, Daniel's team loses a member because of an Asthma flare up during the 800M race.  Already at a strength disadvantage, and with the winning athletes all on the other team, Daniel's team has to pathetically fight to prevent the other team from sweeping The Tug Of War.  But wait, what's this???  Surprise!  All of the teammates on the winning side earn 25 points for that event.

It's hilarious how blatant it all is.  Everything is designed to make sure Daniel loses and everything magically works for both Sydney and Brodie.  In the end, one of them is  handed the title.

Daniel, the true All-Round Champion is stripped of the title he's earned and it's given instead to an obnoxious twit.  The utter unfairness of the final event and the horrible way points were awarded and stolen from the players can only be summed up by watching one of the very first online videos I saw for this show...  The Balloon Stomp.

It starts off fair and fun but when it gets down to the final players, instead of a fair contest, someone outside the game makes a choice and Daniel is unfairly eliminated and Sydney is declared the winner.  

Sydney wins because someone influenced the game and took Daniel out.  So Sydney didn't earn the victory or prove anything.

As annoying as that clip is to watch, that's how frustrating and annoying the show ended up being.  It's ridiculous and sad that because of the poor behavior of the show's producers, the contestants, the blatant favoritism and flagrant abuse of points awarding, a show I was so excited to watch became something that made my sick.  And destroys the concepts of hard work and good sportsmanship.

Now, I'm willing to admit I may not have all the information and you could probably make all kinds of arguments as to why I'm wrong about everything I've said in this blog post...  But here's the thing...  As a viewer of the product you created, I've simply given you my impression of your show.  So if this wasn't your intention...  You missed the mark.

You should be ashamed of what you put out.  In fact, I'm embarrassed for you.  And for the first time in a long time, BYUTV gets a huge, resounding "BOOOOOOOOO!" from me.

DEMI-WHAT?????!!!!!

I was recently involved in a discussion about my sexuality with someone and their eventual conclusion is that I have more hangups or issues than I might realize.  Hangups, by definition, are emotional problems, inhibitions or obsessions.  And I can quite honestly say, that's not true in the slightest.  What I have is a refined sense of self and a knowledge about what I need emotionally and physically from a sexual partner.  A knowledge I gained over years of trial and error.  A knowledge I'm proud to possess.

Experience is one of the ways we learn in life and although it's true you shouldn't let negative experiences hold you back in the future, you can learn from them.  And I have.  So let me be clear and tell you what I've learned...

I've learned I don't enjoy sexual or most forms of intimacy without a strong emotional connection to my partner.  That may seem a bit extreme.  Doesn't everyone enjoy a hug or a kiss?  I do enjoy them, but when I don't feel connected to the person hugging or kissing me I feel awkward and uncomfortable.  So this is something I've had to be honest with myself about.  As a fat person, I get hugged a lot.  Maybe people like hugging faties because they feel a warm sense of envelopment.  Or maybe they think it's showing solidarity, I can't honestly say.  But it's not pleasurable for me.

So the question is...  Do I continue to hug people when it makes me feel strange and weird because they seem to want it?  Truthfully...?  No way!

As for actual sex, this means I don't gain a great deal of pleasure from hooking up.  Even when I achieve orgasm during a casual sexual encounter, it doesn't feel good.  By this I mean, I feel the build right to the moment of ejacution and then it subsides.  I don't feel that POW!!!  BANG!!!  WHAM!!! sensation when I come.  It ends up feeling perfunctory.  Like blowing your nose or coughing.

No matter how many times I've tried, I don't seem to experience a satisfying release during these kinds of encounters.

There is another type of hookup I'd like to talk about as well.  I have had experiences in the past where I've hooked up with someone I was drawn to and I did feel the amazing release.  The downside to these encounters is the aftermath.  When I realize the emotional framework I want to base the encounter in isn't reciprocated or won't continue, I find myself feeling empty.  I want to reach out, connect to that person, but to do so would move me into the realm of a stalker.  Because of that, I withdraw and try to sort out what I'm feeling.  This introspection often culminates in a period of depression that is difficult to move past.

Knowing this about myself, I choose not to engage in these encounters.  The cost is too high.

There are some people who connect easily to others.  Both emotionally and physically.  I can get drawn in by someone like that; but if I'm aware of that aspect of their personality, I doubt the uniqueness of what I'm feeling.  I don't feel loved or special.  At least not in the way I need in order to experience a satisfying sexual encounter.

Am I an introvert?  I'm probably somewhere in the middle actually, but I do lean more towards the introverted side.  Part of that has to do with my low self esteem.  And I freely admit I have a problem with that.

After I gained over 200 lbs when I quit smoking, I lost a lot of confidence.  I don't look in the mirror and see someone I think is attractive or interesting.  I see something else.  I don't see myself in my own reflection.  I realize this causes me a great deal of hesitation when it comes to being with someone physically.  I'm ashamed of my body.  But I am working to change that.

Sadly , a poor body image decreases my ability to trust.  I've never needed outside sources to validate or critique me.  I don't thrive under praise or criticism.  I write or create something and ultimately, my personal opinion is the only thing I consider as I judge the work.  I do the same thing with my body.  Unless your opinion mirrors my own, it won't affect me.  If I think I look awful and you keep telling me I look fantastic, my mind processes your comments as untruthful.

You probably wouldn't think it if you knew me well, but I'm all about emotions.  And because of this, I keep mine clamped tightly down.  I make emotional decisions as consciously as I possibly can.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve and I won't invest feelings in another person if I don't feel they're reciprocated.

I recently read an article about sexuality and how there are so many more sexualities than we think.  I identify as a Gay Demisexual.  I form the intimate bonds necessary for romantic relationships with men.  I also tie sexual attraction equally with the physical appearance and emotional connection I feel with a potential partner.

If I'm with someone and they have sex with another person, I experience jealousy.  I don't want to admit that, but I do.  Jealousy is a destructive feeling.  It undermines trust and self worth.  Because I know this about myself, my ideal relationship would be both monogamous and long term. 

However...  In that type of relationship, I'm quite adventurous and willing to explore a great number of things.

Basically, I don't view these things as hangups.  They're fundamental aspects of who I am and for the first time in my life, I'm making my pleasure a priority.  I'm taking control of my own orgasms, so to speak.  I want to have a great sex life and I'm no longer willing to settle for something that would be mediocre.

Be forewarned, I come with strings attached.  If you're looking to get laid, I'm definitely not worth the time or energy.  If you're looking for a lifetime commitment from a partner who will pour copious amounts of love and devotion into and accept the same in return, you might consider asking me out.

WHY THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW FAILED

What happens when you remake iconic films like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"?  The answer to that question really depends on what the filmmakers attempt to do with the new franchise.  We have living examples of this all around us today.

Let's start with "Batman".  As an iconic film, Tim Burton's "Batman" is nothing short of classic!  It continues to top the list of best super hero movies.  Even though the franchise itself fell into disarray with subsequent films due to replacement actors and a rapidly multiplying cast of villains; the original film (along with the rest of Burton's catalog of pre-steam punk gothic media), would go on to inspire a new generation of filmmakers to push the boundaries of imagination.

Following in the footsteps of that first film, there was no way to relaunch that franchise and follow the same formula.  Fortunately for us, Christopher Nolan was smart enough not to compete with Burton's classic.  Knowing an origin story was inevitable, Nolan re-imagined the franchise.  He took Batman's primary external conflict, (his need for justice after the murder of his parents) and internalized it by having the Wayne murderer publically executed before Bruce had a chance to do away with him.  This one simple change catapulted the character into a completely different level of character development.  It also helped Nolan create one of the best superhero trilogies ever committed to film.

We have another great example of this with the television series Battlestar Galactica.  The SciFi reboot was a re-imagined version of the original series.  The cast became real rather than the live action cartoon characters of the original 70's series.  The new series was edgier, more urgent and made the reality of the back story that much more believable.

But let's not get too carried away...  There are just as many bad examples as good.  I'd like to focus for one minute on J.J. Abrams and what he did with the "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" franchises, because I think it demonstrates the principle I want to apply to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Abrams re-imagined the Star Trek universe and his movies have all been well received by fans.  Even die hard fans who didn't like the idea of replacing Spock and Kirk with younger actors eventually jumped on board.  However, what Abrams did with Star Wars was less than spectacular...

The biggest complaint about "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" I've heard is that it is plot point by plot point "Star Wars: A New Hope" all over again.  Abrams may have refreshed the way we look at a Star Wars film through his unique style of shooting action sequences, but the lack of originality in the storyline was disappointing to die-hards who were desperate for a shake up in their favorite film series.  I didn't see the new Star Wars film during the opening weeks.  I waited a month, but when I did go to see it, I had the entire theater to myself.  Subsequently, I saw Star Trek twice.  Once right during the initial week of release and once about a month later with my dad.  The theater was still somewhat packed.

I see a trend in these films.  When something is re-imagined, it fares better than an updated remake.  That being said, part of what made "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" so remarkable was it's edge.  Queer transgender bisexuality was a virtual unknown taboo when this film came out.  Much like early John Waters fare, it was sought out and viewed by a subculture who was drawn to the controversial subject matter and themes.

In today's world, where Rupaul's Drag Race is a show watched in hundreds of thousands of homes across the US, neither transvestites or drag queens are seen as subversive.  In fact, changing Tim Curry's Frankenfurter into a Drag Queen actually kills the character's edge.  There's nothing dark and dangerous about an over the top flamboyant queen.

But the biggest flaw in this remake isn't the attempts to update characters, it's the lack of a reimagining of the story.  Knowing the impact of the original film, writers should have written a new script specifically with the audience cat calls in mind and given us a completely new story vaguely resembling the original.  A change of music would even seem appropriate if one was to truly challenge themselves in remaking such a cult classic.  

Instead, we get a watered down broadway musical version that looks and feels more like a Vegas Lounge act.

I guess the moral of this story is simple...  You just don't mess with a classic.  What I find most disturbing is the lack of innovation in the business that something like this has money spent on it and original, new film visionaries are struggling with crappy budgets to do mediocre versions of truly innovative scripts.

This was a bad idea from the start and apparently, no one had the sense to stop this train wreck from happening.  Described as a tribute to the original film with only the visual element being updated seems rather pointless and more like an excuse rather than a description.

But enough about this...  I'll leave my commentary there for now.  In my opinion, this film should've never been made.

CLOSING BORDERS, BUILDING A FENCE...

Someone asked me the other day who I was voting for.  Someone I love dearly.  I answered that I wasn't sure, but the reality is, I've learned my lesson over the years.  I don't want to antagonize my family so I don't discuss politics with them.  However, this lovely human being I adore so much, started to explain to me why she thought Trump was the best choice for president and one of the things she mentioned was closing our borders.

You know, the world is a scary place these days.  And it's getting scarier.  You watch terrorists attacking cities in Europe and even the US.  Shootings on television and all sorts of insanity show up every night on the evening news.  It's no wonder she's worried.

When you listen to these news stories, it's easy to decide to blame one group of people and say, "it's their fault."  After all, it's true terrorist organizations are using refugees fleeing Syria and the Middle East to sneak their people into Europe with the intention of inflicting acts of terror on the citizens of those countries.  It's true.  But will closing the borders make that stop?

It's also true we have a huge problem with people entering the US illegally and trying to find work here.  Will building a fence or closing a border prevent them from trying to find a better way of life for themselves or their children?

I don't think so.

But more importantly, I think about Jesus Christ and what he would do.  Would he close borders out of fear of terrorism or because foreigners were using up our resources?  Would he deny someone a chance for freedom from tyranny or a better economic future for their family?

Christ taught charity.  He asked us to treat our neighbors as we ourselves would want to be treated.  But most importantly, in the gospel of Matthew chapter 5 verse 39, Christ says, "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil:  but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."  The meaning of this message is clear.  Where the Old Testament taught us an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth...  Christ taught sufferance.  

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that God never intended for us to live violent lives.  He doesn't want any of us to suffer at the hands of terrorists.  But he didn't want us to play it safe either.  He never intended for us to live in a world where we hide behind closed borders or walls and shut the pain and hardship of others out in order to stay safe.

He wants us to extend our hands to help those who are injured or harmed by tyranny, who would strive to provide for their families.  Building a wall, closing a border or locking the world out will never soften the hearts of our enemies.  It will never cause the change God wants to see in the world.  There's no love in turning away.

The world is a scary, dangerous place.

That's true...

But I prefer to see it in a different way.  The world is a place full of opportunity to reach out our hands in kindness, charity and fellowship to those who are suffering.  Those sons and daughters of God who so desperately need the love we've been readily blessed with.

Closing our borders...  Building a wall...

...Is not the path of Christ.

GROWING UP WITH PRINCE

Since learning of his death, I've felt strangely numb about Prince.  I've spent the past day or so reading reactions and watching response videos.  I feel sad.  I feel excited.  I feel like I should be feeling more.  I guess the best way to figure out what I'm feeling is to write about it and see where I end up.

I remember hearing '1999' when it first came out.  My sister was a huge Michael Jackson fan and to be honest, I actually thought the song was by the Jackson Five.  I clearly remember only hearing it in passing and making that connection in my mind.  I discovered my mistake later.  I didn't actually learn about Prince himself until Middle School.  A kid in my shop class had the "Purple Rain" cassette and the first song I heard was 'Let's Go Crazy'.  I was floored.

I was instantly drawn to the sound of the Linn Drum Machine.  Combined with guitar and exploding synth lines, it was unlike anything I'd ever heard.  Coupled with this quasi religious preacher intro that set my little indoctrinated teenage heart aflutter, I was transfixed.  I'd never associated music with church.  It seemed surreal.  I was at an age where I was opening my mind to new ideas and everything seemed like a discovery.

Popular music is a cycle constantly repeating itself.  As you get older, listening to current pop love songs can be a tedious exercise.  It's all been said before...  Written and performed over and over again...  But pop music is written for the young.  Those who are discovering love in that moment.  And when Prince exploded on the scene with "Purple Rain", those ideas were fresh and new to me.  I began exploring the world of more complicated emotions through him.

To say his music shaped my emotional growth would be an understatement.  And it wouldn't fully incorporate everything that drew me to him.  New Wave was full of strange hair, different fashions, weird electronic sounds and beats.  More than any previous generation, we expressed ourselves in outrageous ways.  The 80's was full of new instruments and sounds.  The pioneers of this movement would change the course of music forever.  Prince embraced the new with the old and created a hybrid form of rock uniquely his own.  Those of us who went along for the ride would begin a musical journey unlike any other in the history of popular music.

The colors, the artwork, the other-worldly sounds...  The way Prince would write "U" instead of "You" or "2" instead of "to"...  all of it combined to fuel my imagination and look at everything around me with the notion that one thing can be more than just what it seems.  You only need to look at the cover of "Around The World In A Day" to see how easy it could be to lose yourself in discovery.  I'd spend hours pouring over the paintings.  Looking for hidden messages or meaning.

There were the people...  Wendy, Lisa, Matt, Mark, Bobby...  And later Sheila, Eric, Morris, Jill, Jerome, Miko...  All of them seemed like mythic figures in his tapestry of sound.  Each one was a vital piece of Paisley Park; the magical place where we could live together in harmony.  Where all of our artistic promise could find expression and fulfillment.

As Prince embraced new sounds and expanded his musical palette, so did I.  When he released a Jazz album, I gained my first exposure into that genre and developed an appreciation for it.

Remember the Paisley Park logo?  It was surprisingly beautiful to my eye and I discovered very quickly it was easy to find new Paisley Park albums by looking for that unmistakable logo on the spine of cassette tapes.  I'd walk along the wall racks skimming for it.  Once again, my imagination and exposure to new sounds found itself challenged through new artists, new looks, different colors and artwork.

We became the secret army of colorful people who dreamed in rainbow technicolor and used our Paisley decoders to find the new and hidden chapters in the Prince experience.

Watching him perform live was electrifying.  He danced in ways we all wished we could move.  He was life personified in his celebration of the physical in each step he took.

I developed an ear for his composition.  Even among a slew of artists copying his sound, using his spelling, mimicking his work, I could tell if he wrote a song.  I could hear it.  There was a way he played and composed music that signified his presence.  His aural signature was always there.

There was a time in my life when my friends made fun of me for liking him and his music.  I went from boldly wearing my musical passion on my sleeve to hiding it.  Eventually I reached a point where I stopped caring about what others thought.  I started embracing what made me happy and stopped trying to live up to the expectations of others.  I made a lot of changes in my life during that time.  Including coming out.

But he continued to shape aspects of who I am and who I became.  He would help others in secret.  He avoided drawing attention to himself when he achieved something huge.  He tried to encourage others.  I've done many of the same things in my own life.  I've avoided personal glory and done my best to help others in secret.  Without looking for recognition or reward.  This is part of his influence in my life.  It's a core fundamental part of my being.

He shaped me spiritually as well.  It's because of him I haven't abandoned my faith.  I've quietly nurtured it and allowed it to grow into something I find deeply profound.  I use it to define my actions and make decisions.

Most importantly, he gave me a kaleidoscope of music to explore and immerse myself in.  The love of these songs has comforted me when I'm sad, inspired me when I was in love and helped me chart a course in life when I felt lost.

In my favorite Prince song, 'The Beautiful Ones', he sings the line, "U were so hard 2 find" and in so many ways, I've felt that single line describes my search for love throughout my life.

But as rare and wonderful a thing love is...  As impossible as it may be to find, my life companion, Prince was not.  He was always there.

During his acceptance speech for the Award Of Achievement at the 1990 American Music Awards, he said, "I try to create music I've never heard before.  I guess I like surprises.  I hope you do too."

I had the pleasure of meeting this gentle soul 3 times in my life.  And I will never forget one of his messages to me.  He simply wrote, "R U Surprised?"

My honest answer, given with each new song, each new album since that day has always been, "Yes!"

I feel like part of my life has ended now.  I face the rest of it in a world without that kindred soul.  It's time to grow up, get stronger and find my own way through life.  A new chapter is beginning.  Maybe the magic of flowers, doves and watercolor scenery is washing away like a chalk drawing on a pavement in a rainstorm.  I mourn the passing of that time before...  But I will face the dawn of this new day with hope in my heart.

Prince, I promise to keep loving surprises.  I promise to look for them all around me in the new world.  Farewell, my friend...

My lifelong friend.

ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION... DO I HATE???

I've heard a lot of people talk about respecting each other and respecting points of view.  I couldn't agree more.  However, when I try to point out how posting an opinion could be hurtful to someone, I got my butt kicked up and down Facebook.  I was accused of crying about someone expressing their opinion when I expected them to listen to mine.  How I was being a hypocrite.

That wasn't what I was doing.  I wanted people who were posting those things to realize they were talking about, well...  frankly...  Me!

No matter how nicely you word it, when you put up a post calling people sinners, you're judging them.  And you're belittling them.

Many Christian churches have started accepting the idea that gay people are born the way they are.  It's not a choice.  So all of this protesting and anger towards gay people IS a form of prejudice.  You can't choose to be gay any more than you can choose to be a certain race.

But let me talk to you on a level I hope most Christians will understand.  Even if you think being gay is a sin...  This is what the Bible says...

1 John 4: 20-21 "If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.  And this commandment we have from him:  whoever loves God must also love his brother."

Ephesians 4: 29-32  "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

And here are more if you care to read...  http://www.openbible.info/topics/how_to_treat_others

The gist of all of this is simple.  As Christians, we are asked to look at others with love, not with judgement.  When we sit high above others on a throne of moral superiority and looking down, call others sinners, we are not following the path of Christ.  Even if we think we're justified in what we believe, we don't have the right to call someone a sinner or judge their life or their actions.  We can only look at ourselves, find the sin there and ask God to help us repent.

When we say things like "Gay people are sinners.  Homosexuality is a sin.  Gay marriage is a sin...", we're placing our beliefs over those of another person.  We are not following the words of the Bible.

What we are doing is fostering a climate of hate and intolerance.  We add kindling to the fire.

Now before anyone thinks I'm attacking their church or faith, let me say, I'm attacking intolerance by showing you how these actions hurt people.

This is my challenge...

Over the next few weeks, casually bring up Gay Marriage and Gays in conversation with your Christian friends.  Ask them for their honest thoughts and opinions.  Don't tell them why... just listen to them express their points of view.  

Are they following the words of Romans 15: 1-2  "We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.  Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up."  Or Matthew 7:12  "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets."?  

Are they building people up?  Are they treating gay people the way they want to be treated?  Would they want someone to tell them marrying the person they love is a sin?  Or pass laws preventing them from being married to their spouse?

Do they want their family and friends to constantly tell them their very existence is a sin?

What do you hear?

I think many of your friends will express the kindness and gentleness of Christ.  But many will express judgement and hate.  When we listen to words of judgement, condemnation and hate or share them with others, we condone the actions of those who hate and harm their brothers.  This is not the path of Christ.

Seriously try this.  And hear the words people will say.  Know that these are the people who claim to be Christian.  Who claim to follow the teachings and words of Jesus.  Listen to them and then think about the gay people in your life.  Family members, friends, co-workers...  And realize these words are about them.  This judgement is placed on them.

It is not our place to judge the sin in another person.  And it is not our place to put our faith above another.  This moral superiority...  This pride is not the path of Christ.

When we judge someone and call them a sinner, we're passing judgement on them.  Regardless of whether or not we believe what they're doing is right or wrong, it's not our job to make that decision.  We are charged simply to "...love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 19:19)

And that's it.

John 13:34  "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: Just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

This is the message and path of Christ.  When we strive to follow this path, the rest seems to fall in place.  We don't begrudge a gay couple from experiencing the joy of marriage.  We respect the beliefs of people of other faiths.  We look for ways to help those around us.  To build others up and honor them.

I can promise you, as someone who tries to live this life, it's harder than anything you will ever do.  And I don't always find forgiveness and charity in my heart.  I struggle with it every day.

Take my challenge.  Test the voices around you and listen to the message your churches are sending out.  Be honest.  Be truthful.  And remember, these words you'll hear...  They're not about some abstract concept of sin and evil.  They're about people you know and love. 

THE INEVITABLE WEAKNESS OF LONELINESS

There's a lot I could go into today.  I'm not exactly sure where this entry will end up, but I do know why I'm writing.  

Once again, I find myself without sure footing in the river of life and I have to start making some pretty serious choices.  I'm having doubts and doubts lead to feelings of low self worth.  Right now, everything is in the toilet and more than ever...  I wish I had someone I could talk to about it.

I spend most of my life putting on a brave face.  I tackle my problems head on and create the illusion that everything is OK and I'm doing great.  But underneath it all, I feel very alone.

Growing up gay in a religious family was a recipe for social disaster.  There are so many messed up experiences from my youth I don't talk about.  Like my dad asking me when I was 5 or 6 if I was gay and not knowing or having a frame of reference for what that was.  I could tell by the way he asked it was something bad, so I said, "No." 

It wasn't until many years later I finally had the language to say what I was.  Or what the world would come to label me as.

I remember talking to my mom about Hell once.  I was scared of burning in Hell for being gay.  I hadn't come out yet and I didn't want to tell her I was gay, so I brought it up as a question of dogma.  The only thing I took away from that conversation was a statement she made right at the end.  She said if all of her children couldn't be with her in heaven, she wouldn't go.  She would rather go to Hell then be in heaven without one of us.

Today, I see that statement as a parent trying to create a sense of safety and security in their child.  No matter what, she wouldn't leave me behind.  But as a teenager, I had a different interpretation.  Knowing I was gay and knowing I would burn in Hell, I suddenly had to live with the knowledge I was condemning my dear mother, who I love with my whole heart, to an eternity of pain, torture, suffering and misery.

I carried that with me well into adulthood.

In fact, it's one of the reasons I decided to go on a mission.  My church, the Mormon church, usually sends boys over the age of 18 on two year missions all over the world.  The young men travel to other countries and their function is to convert as many people as possible to the faith.  I didn't have a testimony of the church.  I didn't actually believe it.  But it was my world.  Mormonism in Utah is more than just a faith.  It permeates every facet of life.  Boys didn't graduate High School and move on to college...  No, sir.  They went on missions.  It was just how life was.  Although I had no interest in converting people or preaching religion, I did see an opportunity...

One of Mormonism's little loopholes is the mission.  It's a commonly held belief that if a missionary dies on their mission while in the service of the church, they automatically go to heaven.  It was a get out of jail free card.  And I wanted it.

I remember every single time I prayed during my mission, I would silently beg God to let me die.  

Now I wasn't a traditional Mormon anyway.  I skipped my farewell in church.  I told everyone I didn't want a farewell because I felt it would draw the attention and glory to me when it should be focused on God.  And a part of me believed that.  Or at least believed that's how it should be.  But I also didn't want a farewell because I was a liar.  And I saw no reason to celebrate my manipulation to get on a mission so I could die and go to heaven.

So here's the part where I'm going to ask you to imagine my experience.  I'm in a foreign country, working to convert people to a faith I don't personally believe in, all the while praying my confused little heart out every day because the child inside thought God would let me die.

But God never answered my prayers.  Or so I thought.

I remember one night, while my companion and I were going door to door in an apartment building and it was late.  We were already past curfew and trying to finish the building so we could go home.  We knocked on the door of a young lady who talked with us for about 35 minutes.  She listened to our pitch and then responded by explaining to us about her beliefs and her faith.  

She didn't lash out and bash us, or slam the door on us...  She offered us genuine interest and shared her very real and meaningful spirituality with us in return.  I felt an overwhelming sense of kinship with this amazing young woman.  And I focused on how many similarities we shared as spiritual people.  My companion, felt the experience was a waste of time and kept trying to end the conversation, but I felt so strongly about it, I asked her if we could say a prayer before we left.  She graciously agreed.

I said a quick and thoughtful prayer of thanks for meeting her and sharing this lovely connection...  If only for a brief moment in time.  As I finished my prayer, she began to pray and thanked God for sending two angels to her door that night.  Thank you for your messengers spreading the good word in the world.

My heart sank.  All the way home, that line stuck with me and I couldn't escape it.  My companion went to bed, but I stayed up and spent the night wrestling with my thoughts and praying fervently to God.  I didn't feel like an angel or a messenger.  I felt like a liar.  A deceiver.  

I was filled with a feeling of self-loathing I couldn't escape.  And it was during that night I realized, God wasn't going to let me die.  He'd already answered my prayer.  My soul was crushed.  I ran a bath, got in and spent the entire night crying.  I was very near suicide.

By the next morning, I'd resigned myself to my fate.  I finished the rest of my mission much less conflicted.  I did what was expected of me and took an early out so I could go home and escape into an adult life free of the constraints of my family.

When missionaries return home, they're supposed to continue to hold themselves as Elders representing the church until they're stake president releases them.  My dad was my stake president and after picking me up at the airport in Las Vegas, we went to my sister's apartment for the night.  We went for a walk and it was on that walk, my dad released me.  I started crying.  I remember he was a bit annoyed by my reaction.  I said I felt a change and he said I was imagining it.  But I wasn't.  That was the moment I let the church go in my heart.  That was the real moment I stopped being Mormon.

A short time later, I decided to leave the church formally and began a process that ended with my records being removed.

Recently, I've heard stories about people and their suffering when they're excommunicated or when they leave the church.  For me, it was liberating.  I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I feel closer to God now than I ever did before.  I try to lead a life that is Christlike but you'll never know it.  My actions are secret and private.  I never put them out there for people to see or know.  

Yet, in many ways, I'm still trapped by Mormonism and the Christianity of the western world.  Young people today are finding it easier to accept who they are and embrace their sexuality.  My generation was probably the last to really struggle with inequality.  So many men my age seem to be against the concept of monogamy or loving a partner.  

I think I understand why that is.  Up until now, what could you really have as a gay man?  You'd never get married.  Have a family.  Have a real life in society.  The love you shared with your partner would never result in something as wonderful as children.  You were living in a dead end world.  And if the only thing that could hold two lovers together was a promise...  Well, that's a joke by itself.

There wasn't much hope for us.  No "happily ever after" for me.  Although I don't believe that now, I still find it hard to embrace the concept of happiness.  I've spent so many years in the dark.  Every step I take into the light is blinding; and even now, I face the prejudice of Mormonism in my life.

I've never found a place at the table.  Never found a place I truly fit in.  I've come close, but never really made it.  The only time I really feel connected is when I'm with my nieces and nephews.  They seem to love me unconditionally.  And I need that so desperately.

I need a moment in my life where I can be soft and weak and lean on someone.  Truly lean on someone without having to quickly pick myself up and be strong again.  I need a rock in a stormy sea.

I've gone so many years taking care of me and others...  Being strong.  Being brave.

I want to be free of all of it.  Free of the stigma people still dump on me and people like me.  I want to be connected to something bigger than just my tiny, average life.

Today, I feel quietly alone.  
And very sad because of it.