I was recently involved in a discussion about my sexuality with someone and their eventual conclusion is that I have more hangups or issues than I might realize. Hangups, by definition, are emotional problems, inhibitions or obsessions. And I can quite honestly say, that's not true in the slightest. What I have is a refined sense of self and a knowledge about what I need emotionally and physically from a sexual partner. A knowledge I gained over years of trial and error. A knowledge I'm proud to possess.
Experience is one of the ways we learn in life and although it's true you shouldn't let negative experiences hold you back in the future, you can learn from them. And I have. So let me be clear and tell you what I've learned...
I've learned I don't enjoy sexual or most forms of intimacy without a strong emotional connection to my partner. That may seem a bit extreme. Doesn't everyone enjoy a hug or a kiss? I do enjoy them, but when I don't feel connected to the person hugging or kissing me I feel awkward and uncomfortable. So this is something I've had to be honest with myself about. As a fat person, I get hugged a lot. Maybe people like hugging faties because they feel a warm sense of envelopment. Or maybe they think it's showing solidarity, I can't honestly say. But it's not pleasurable for me.
So the question is... Do I continue to hug people when it makes me feel strange and weird because they seem to want it? Truthfully...? No way!
As for actual sex, this means I don't gain a great deal of pleasure from hooking up. Even when I achieve orgasm during a casual sexual encounter, it doesn't feel good. By this I mean, I feel the build right to the moment of ejacution and then it subsides. I don't feel that POW!!! BANG!!! WHAM!!! sensation when I come. It ends up feeling perfunctory. Like blowing your nose or coughing.
No matter how many times I've tried, I don't seem to experience a satisfying release during these kinds of encounters.
There is another type of hookup I'd like to talk about as well. I have had experiences in the past where I've hooked up with someone I was drawn to and I did feel the amazing release. The downside to these encounters is the aftermath. When I realize the emotional framework I want to base the encounter in isn't reciprocated or won't continue, I find myself feeling empty. I want to reach out, connect to that person, but to do so would move me into the realm of a stalker. Because of that, I withdraw and try to sort out what I'm feeling. This introspection often culminates in a period of depression that is difficult to move past.
Knowing this about myself, I choose not to engage in these encounters. The cost is too high.
There are some people who connect easily to others. Both emotionally and physically. I can get drawn in by someone like that; but if I'm aware of that aspect of their personality, I doubt the uniqueness of what I'm feeling. I don't feel loved or special. At least not in the way I need in order to experience a satisfying sexual encounter.
Am I an introvert? I'm probably somewhere in the middle actually, but I do lean more towards the introverted side. Part of that has to do with my low self esteem. And I freely admit I have a problem with that.
After I gained over 200 lbs when I quit smoking, I lost a lot of confidence. I don't look in the mirror and see someone I think is attractive or interesting. I see something else. I don't see myself in my own reflection. I realize this causes me a great deal of hesitation when it comes to being with someone physically. I'm ashamed of my body. But I am working to change that.
Sadly , a poor body image decreases my ability to trust. I've never needed outside sources to validate or critique me. I don't thrive under praise or criticism. I write or create something and ultimately, my personal opinion is the only thing I consider as I judge the work. I do the same thing with my body. Unless your opinion mirrors my own, it won't affect me. If I think I look awful and you keep telling me I look fantastic, my mind processes your comments as untruthful.
You probably wouldn't think it if you knew me well, but I'm all about emotions. And because of this, I keep mine clamped tightly down. I make emotional decisions as consciously as I possibly can. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve and I won't invest feelings in another person if I don't feel they're reciprocated.
I recently read an article about sexuality and how there are so many more sexualities than we think. I identify as a Gay Demisexual. I form the intimate bonds necessary for romantic relationships with men. I also tie sexual attraction equally with the physical appearance and emotional connection I feel with a potential partner.
If I'm with someone and they have sex with another person, I experience jealousy. I don't want to admit that, but I do. Jealousy is a destructive feeling. It undermines trust and self worth. Because I know this about myself, my ideal relationship would be both monogamous and long term.
However... In that type of relationship, I'm quite adventurous and willing to explore a great number of things.
Basically, I don't view these things as hangups. They're fundamental aspects of who I am and for the first time in my life, I'm making my pleasure a priority. I'm taking control of my own orgasms, so to speak. I want to have a great sex life and I'm no longer willing to settle for something that would be mediocre.
Be forewarned, I come with strings attached. If you're looking to get laid, I'm definitely not worth the time or energy. If you're looking for a lifetime commitment from a partner who will pour copious amounts of love and devotion into and accept the same in return, you might consider asking me out.
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